You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
