Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
