How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
