Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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