Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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