u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
