saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
