had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
