when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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