Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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