he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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