I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
