Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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