I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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