when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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