There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
