Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
