and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
