my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
