Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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