Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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