I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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