I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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