The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
