hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
