i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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