So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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