he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
