I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
