apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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