She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
