Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
