i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Drunk is not a location!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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