I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
