my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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