the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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