This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Can you bring me the toilet please
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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