does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
