____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
