I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
