You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So much Jack, so little girl.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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