And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
