Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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