I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
