the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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