i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
you had me at cake vodka
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
