Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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