When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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