I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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