Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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